Love in the mirror

It's been long time since the last time I saw this photo of him. This morning, accidentally I fell on it, and my first reaction was; "Oh! How could I love that person some day?!. He's got the smallest mind, craziest self-centered character, and the last control on his own life!". I could see that obviously in the photo!, and it took me one look to figure it all out. Years ago, I was watching a movie based on an old novel I don't remember its title, and the actress's husband was traveling away for a long period. Meanwhile she fell in love with some one else. When she was meeting her coming back husband at the railway station, and on her first sight of him, she gasped; "Oh! What a big nose he's got!". Apparently the author didn't want to show us the big nose of the husband, he just wanted to highlight the eyes of the wife.

One of the greatest and craziest things about "love" is its "blind mirror", as we call it in Arabic. The woman in the movie/novel lived with her husband for years. It took her a long travel, and a new love, to see his big nose!. The great about it is how it makes us believe in love like nothing else, how we call ourselves "finally in love", and feel like owning the world with our significant other. The crazy about it is how we become so sure of love, that we get ready to sacrifice anything not to lose it, and it takes us a smaller thing than we imagine, to give up, a simple turn around!.

The "blind mirror of love" makes us living in marvelous heaven and forget what's going on down earth!. It makes us "fly" and "float" and everything beautiful, and forget the necessary existence of any thing bad. I believe it's like an equation. X is usually greater than Y. "What we have" is usually greater than "what we miss". "The heaven" is usually greater than "the hell". At a point, the equation goes in the opposite direction, when Y becomes greater than X. When "the hell" is too hot to bear, and "what we miss" is too much to live without. That's usually the point at which everything should stop, usually and not often, depending on the degree of "blindness".

"Greater than" (>) isn't so different in shape from "less than" (<). It has the same number of lines, the same point of meeting, and the same angle between them, only a different direction, only a mirror-image. But unfortunately, relationships aren't exactly like math. That's why in math., when you have enough proves that X is greater than Y, it simply is, until some one else presents another theory. But in love, when everyone have proves that Y is greater than X, you can keep insisting that they're wrong, you can moreover claim they're simply looking at the wrong direction, and they can never see what you see, which is perfectly true, cause actually no one is looking at the mirror but you, no one can see the (>) a (<) but you. While you call yourself "enlightened with love" and make fun of them, you're just blinded with it!. And time between people realization of the right equation and yours, is never predictable, cause the time you'll take to turn around and see the real world out of the "mirror" lies only on you, and how far blinded you are.

"How could I love that person", "What a big nose he's got", "Y is greater than X" are the simple facts we could never see in the "mirror", are the simple facts separating the reality from the opposite of reality, the mirror-image of it. And in spite of this simple rule of mirrors, it's of a great pain to turn around. It's of a great pain to realize "the big nose he's got", not because it's that terrible, but because it always has been there!. The man's nose didn't grow up abroad, it has been there all the years. My ex's photo has been taken in 2004, and that's the source of shock. All the traits of the character of the other one have always been there. We just don't look at them, we don't want to see them, cause the "mirror" we're living in is much more beautiful, the "dream" is terrific, and we enjoy it the best, why to bother ourselves with reality?!. Another reason for the shock, we don't walk away of them cause they betrayed us, or cheated on us, or lied to us. All that would at least produce a reasonable anger, which could –to an extent- counteract the action of the shock. On the contrary, they were so honest and frank to us. So we were. That's why –for ex.- I could never answer the question of; "what have I done for you?", and that's why it always caused me a great pain, cause "you have done nothing", absolutely nothing, you're simply "you", you've been the same jerk all the time, but in the "dream", "you" that I saw and wanted to see is simply not "you"!. The "dream" which I believed in with my all heart and soul, turned out to be a big lie, a big shit, including "you" and "me"!. That's why I could not list the reasons for which I walked away, and I choose to walk away in silence some times, cause discussing the "dream/reality" theory on basis of (X/Y) relationship isn't always the best thing to be done with your ex!. Of course the degree of "blindness" depends on a lot of factors, but in an extreme form, the shock can be disasteristic.

I look at the photo, and I think; "What would happen if I saw it the same way since 2004?!. On the bright side, I wouldn't pass through the horrible experience. On the dark side, the history would never be the same!". Our experiences make our history. Our history isn't usually bright, but is usually ours. That's why I don't regret past relationships, cause I passed into them with my own feet. I chose to fall in love, I chose to live the dream, I chose to be blind, and I chose to wake up late!. Some of them are bad choices I've made, but they're mine, my history, which I don't regret, and can't give up.